Bad Decisions
October 20, 2009
Bad decisions
I have come to the realization or conclusion, whatever you want to call it, that everything good that I have created in my life, I have allowed alcohol to ruin it. When I think back on various chapters of my life it all comes to poor decisions. We have destiny, but we also make our own choices. I have made poor choices and have no one to blame but myself. Don't feel sorry for me. That is not why I am writing this or anything here. First of all, I do not deserve you feeling sorry for me. But if you feel alcohol is affecting your life, stop. Get control over yourself. If you are depressed do something about it, now, before it is too late. It might be too late for me to save some of the best things I have ever created. All I have is hope left, hope is a strong force, but it can not conquer all. On the bright side, at least I still have half my life left. At least I am not 50 or 60 coming to these realizations and helping myself. But when I think of what I have ruined and will never get back, it fucking kills me inside. I am not feeling sorry for myself. Just grappling with the pain and suffering I have inflicted on others and myself. The private hell I created for my partner. How good she was, how she tried and tried to support me but I guess it had to be this way. She was so good, picking me up non-alcoholic drinks, being there, supporting me, giving me chances and I just fucking wasted it. Ah shit, I am crying all over this keyboard. I hope its waterproof. What the fuck, I don't care. Why God, why? Why everything? I know the answers of how. They are spread out throughout this blog. I don't know if anyone is reading this, but if you are and you have a problem with alcohol, please promise me you won't turn out like me. My kids asked me on the phone the other night where was I? They thought they saw my car in Moncton. I didn't know what to say. I don't want to lie to anyone anymore. So, I told them i was some place warm and safe. I couldn't think of anything else to say. Tell the truth, yeah. I'll borrow Johnny Depp's line from the movie "Blow" which is "Daddy's a fuck-up" and yes, he is in Moncton but he can't come home. He is never coming home...God, why couldn't I have fixed this before? God, why did I have to lose the best thing in my life, the best thing I ever had more than career, everything? You fucking tell me! Why did I have to make her suffer. I'll never hear I love you from those lips again. I'll never hear what do you want to do today again. I'll never hear what are you thinking about from that mouth again. I'll never see those eyes light up from doing something thoughtful and little again. I know why, but I want to know why why why why why did it have to be this way? I curse the fucking day I ever chose getting drunk over dealing with depression or issues that bothered me. I curse the fucking me to hell that would lie, cheat and steal to buy booze. Fuck you, bluedove. You fucking coward, lying piece of fucking shit. Again, do not feel sorry for me. I am not feeling sorry for myself here, I am just saying it like it is. I don't want to confuse myself anymore. I looked at two sides of an imaginary scale. One side stacked with negative points, history, reality and the other with what was left over. The scale is very heavy on one side, we both know. With what I see on the other side, I don't know how much weight it constitutes. Just know I accept the conditions of the reality I have created on the scale. If you care, you don't have to. I know that. I've left you in the position where you don't have to care and I accept that. It doesn't mean I have given up hope, I will put up a fight if I have to and the effort. I know on a certain level you'll always love me (well probably). It's what you hear in the movies and read in books. We did make two wonderful children together. I will always be their father and will always do whatever is needed of me for them and you. It'll be ok. It will be what it will be. What I make of it. Sure there will be good times, there will be bad times, but there will never be what there was and that is all on my shoulders. It is all my own fault and clearly no one else's. I love you, be good to the kids, be a good mother, make them grow up strong and able to deal with their own problems. Don't let them be a fuck-up like me. That's all I ask of you. I don't know if you read this, but at least putting it out there might make it closer to being real. I am so sorry...More than I have ever felt before and probably ever will again. Be happy. Be free of the suffering I brought upon you. Good bye. I will always love you, just know that for what its worth. You were and are the best.
Posted by Bluedove.
